BEHINDWOODS COLUMN

"Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater" – Roman Polanski

Well, that’s definitely what everyone would want. Get into a cinema hall and lose yourself for the next couple of hours at least. But are we lucky enough to throw ourselves straight into the world of the characters right from the first frame? Let me quickly cut to the chase and tell you why it cannot happen.

THE POOR DOOR AT THE ENTRANCE

You can find the answer to this right by the threshold of the cinema hall. You just can’t steer clear of the consistent opening and closing of the entry door for a good fifteen minutes at least, welcoming the late comers – blame it on the traffic, the underground parking lots that have levels to the core of the earth, the jam packed escalators, baggage checking counters, the long queue for popcorn – what not?

They walk in according to the time zones they set for themselves, identify their seats with the help of their multi-purpose mobile phones and guide their blind fellow latecomers through the occupied seats, blocking out the view of the others in the process.

I remember watching a first day first show of Haider at Sathyam. I couldn’t take my eyes of an interesting scene, when two young ladies walked into the theater with a bathing tub full of popcorn, shoving their mobile phone tickets in front of my eyes, demanding me to get off the seat claiming that it was theirs. 

I took a glance at their ticket and requested them to come back the next day as the date in the ticket was for the next day. I wasn’t too bothered about doing what the person at the door should have done, however I was a little worried about how they were going to eat all that popcorn sitting by a random roadside. “The popcorn at Sathyam is tasty you see.”

PREDICTING THE FUTURE

We have many great story tellers around, who very sincerely narrate upcoming scenes of the film playing irking spoil sports in the overall movie experience. 

This happened to me when I was watching Mundasupatti at Luxe. There was this super irking horoscopist who couldn’t keep his hyperactive mouth from predicting what was going to happen next, spitting out spoilers that ruined my movie as a whole. [He had obviously watched the movie earlier]

THE HALVES

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder” – Alfred Hitchcock

In India, we take this quote very seriously. Yes. I am serious. I have a serious face and all when I say this.

So, in order to satiate brimming bladders and fill up the cash registers of the popcorn counters, our films are designed in two halves.  And for the people who just can’t wait for the end of the first half, we have ‘songs’. But, how does this disrupt the movie watching experience?

Please re- read point number one for the answer - THE POOR DOOR AT THE ENTRANCE.

However, the excuses for late comers this time round are long queues in restrooms and food counters.

LIVE SUBTITLISTS

I was watching Meaghamann at Sathyam and fell prey, yet again, to a couple of latecomers. After I adjusted my ears to the sound of popcorn crunching in their mouths, I realized that one of them did not know Tamil. His friend faithfully converted himself into a loud ‘.srt file’, who even subtitled action scenes like ‘Hansika recording a video of Arya from her bedroom window’.

EAR BITING HORROR

Horror movies are the best date movies. There’s no wondering, ‘When do I put my arm around her?’ – Eli Roth

Well said Eli Roth, but what if you are not watching the movie with a date? I am reminded of my Annabelle experience at Devi theatre. My dear colleague was so terror-stricken that she kept her eyes off screen every time she saw moonlight and kept asking me what was happening on screen.

I know that movie is for mere entertainment and that people come to theaters to while away stress. But a lot of people take the art seriously and wish to watch movies without too many hindrances. Like director Mysskin told in an interview, “We create this craft with so much passion, it would be great if you could show some respect to our work.”

“Watching a movie is like giving a ear to your girlfriend when she speaks. You got to give respect to what she wishes to say whether you like it or not.” – Abhishek Krishnan

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