WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD ADS GONE?

Recently it seems that every time I switch on the television, there is an instant bombardment of uninspiring commercials featuring good looking versions of the salesmen you slam the door on if they show up on your doorstep, making their assorted sales pitches with increasing degrees of inanity. These mannequins, who have been dieted, massaged and lipo - suctioned to within an inch of their lives are squeezed into overpriced designer ensembles and made to point out why you suck and they don’t. Then to add insult to injury you are informed that the difference is simply because you don’t use their brand of deo/fairness cream/anti – dandruff shampoo. It is certainly not because they are paid a gazillion bucks to look the way they do.

Asin is always confident not because she is a successful actor who managed to make an impact in Southern cinema as well as Bollywood but simply because she has found a way to armor herself against that greatest among all evils – body odor. Kareena Kapoor feels entitled to her sense of self – entitlement because she uses the perfect anti – dandruff shampoo. And Bipasha Basu wants us to believe that the healthy biscuit she snacks on onscreen (and probably spits out delicately off-screen) is the secret behind her toned, fat – free frame that got her a ticket into the good life.

And what is it with this nation’s obsession with fairness? Earlier it was sufficient if you had a fair face (courtesy industrial – strength bleaching creams and umpteen sessions at the salon) but now that is no longer sufficient because dark underarms will prevent you from taking a grand slam or becoming one of life’s winners. So now the emphasis is on perfect fairness from head to toe not only for women but for men as well (If you want to be seriously successful like Suriya, SRK and John Abraham).

It makes you think fondly of a bygone era when Draupadi was the loveliest of them all, and her dusky complexion was compared to a blue lotus. And unlike what happens on commercials where only fair girls bag the groom, land the job and whatever have you, this black beauty had five accomplished husbands! The inordinate importance attached to goop in tubes guaranteed to make you instantly fair but is far more likely to give you a virulent case of acne (for which of course there are more magic products) just stinks!

Speaking of bad smells, there have been a slew of deodorant commercials that have tried to sell the notion that they have unearthed the secret to making women drop their underpants and dignity in a flash when they get a whiff of certain noxious, patented odors. And given the number of women I have heard complaining about the assault their nostrils are subjected to when they arrive at parties only to find a horde of hormonal males who seemed to have bathed in the damn stuff, it seems the ad companies responsible for perpetrating this horror have only been too successful.

As Diwali inches closer, there are more ads than ever. Every store worth its salt has to make a bid to lure you through its portals hoping to relieve you of your hard earned Diwali bonus by making commercials showing actresses and models dancing around with simulated gay abandon in heavily embroidered saris or brandishing cookers. In addition to new clothes and cookery, life is simply not worth living without hair oils and sprays that instantly give you celeb hair, handbags guaranteed to make you the ‘it’ girl, cell phones, laptops, and other gadgets that keep you connected to the world of the living, tooth paste that makes you kissable, chocolates that can help you celebrate life in addition to saving you a trip to the dentist since it is purportedly sugar - free and time pieces that will help you get a move on. 

How much more of this can our retinas’ take? When was the last time a decent ad was aired on TV? I cribbed to friends and I was told about an ‘awesome’ jewelry ad that had a girl refusing marriage and then agreeing to see the guy her parents have lined up for her after a visit to a store with an awesome collection of bridal jewelry. It is the sort of stuff, dream marriages are made up of I am sure.

Of course the only benefit of the fact that ad agencies are coming up with increasingly annoying stuff is that they have put you off the idiot box for good. Unfortunately, the serials and the other ‘educational’ stuff on TV keep luring you back, but that of course is an article for another Sunday.